He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
