It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
