The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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