Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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