we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he fucked my hip out of place.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
