You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
