can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people