I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
