how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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