I cannot find my penis.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
