If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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