Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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