I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
