I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
