i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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