I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
