as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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