it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
