wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
