This gyro tastes like lonliness
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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