Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
