He had one of those small greek statue penises
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
