i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
