Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
