I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
