just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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