I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
