How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
