Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's shark week go big or go home
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
