He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
