oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
