Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
