i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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