I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
