Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
