I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
