when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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