My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
