I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
