Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
