Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
