I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
