Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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