its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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