this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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