Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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