my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
