i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
