This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
