I want to have your abortion
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
