Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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