After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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