You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
