alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
