I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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