i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
