Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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