So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
