Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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