i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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