My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
